Below is a list of my favorite aviation-related jokes. Most of these I found from http://www.schiratti.com/humour.html. Anything found elsewhere will have a source provided.
ATC: Alitalia 345 continue taxi holding position 26 South via Tango check for workers along taxiway AZA: Ali345 Taxi 26 Left a via Tango. Workers checked - all are working ARN851: "Halifax Terminal, Nova 851 with you out of 13,000 for 10,000, requesting runway 15." Halifax Terminal (female): "Nova 851 Halifax, the last time I gave a pilot what he wanted I was on penicillin for three weeks. Expect runway 06." Aurora: "Moncton, TRIALS08, we'll be working VFR at 4,500, loitering over the city of Saint John for about the next 10-15 minutes. We'd like radar flight following." CZQM: "TRIALS08, roger, you're radar identified. Are you aware the city has bylaws against loitering?" Aurora: "Ah... roger that" Lost student pilot: "Unknown airport with Cessna 150 circling overhead, identify yourself." Tower: Have you got enough fuel or not? Pilot: Yes. Tower: Yes what?? Pilot: Yes, SIR Tomahawk: "F-XAA is final 29, touch and go." Tower: "XAA is cleared touch and go, 29". (several long circuits later) Tomahawk: "F-XAA is final 29, touch and go" Tower: "F-XAA is cleared touch and go, 29. How many more circuits were you planning on making?" Tomahawk: "We though we'd make one or two more." Tower: "Roger. I just wondered because we were calculating your landing fees, and you're up to $13,000 now." (long delay) Tomahawk: "THAT WAS OUR LAST ONE!!!!!" (another long delay) Tower: "Just kidding. Next time, read your flight supplement." 7MA: Cessna 187MA is 5 NE, landing, with the numbers. HYA: Roger 7MA, make straight-in runway 22. Say type landing. 7MA: We're a Cessna 182. HYA: Negative, say \*type\* landing. 7MA: Uh, 7MA is a Cessna 182 slant Uniform. HYA: 7MA, I say again, say \**type\** landing. 7MA: (Silence) A good one I hope. Control: You're unreadable, say again. Motor-glider: I've turned off the engine, is that better? Control: (looong pause) ATC: "Cessna G-ARER What are your intentions? " Cessna: "To get my Commercial Pilots Licence and Instrument Rating." ATC: "I meant in the next five minutes not years." Controller: AF123, say call sign of your wingman. Pilot: Uh... approach, we're a single ship. Controller: oooohhh! You have traffic! O'Hare Approach: USA212, cleared ILS runway 32L approach, maintain speed 250 knots. USA212: Roger approach, how long do you need me to maintain that speed? O'Hare Approach: All the way to the gate if you can. USA212: Ah, OK, but you better warn ground control. ATC: Pan Am 1, descend to 3,000 ft on QNH 1019. Pan AM 1: Could you give that to me in inches? ATC: Pan Am 1, descend to 36,000 inches on QNH 1019 Cessna 152: "Flight Level Three Thousand, Seven Hundred" Controller: "Roger, contact Houston Space Center" Student Pilot: "I'm lost; I'm over a lake and heading toward the big E." Controller: "Make several 90 degree turns so I can identify you on radar." (short pause)... Controller: "Okay then. That lake is the Atlantic Ocean. Suggest you turn to the big W immediately ..." --- A deer is on the runway... so... Tower: Cessna XXX cleared for take-off. Student: "What should I do? What should I do?" Inst: "What do you think you should do?" (think-think-think) Std: "Maybe if I taxi toward him it'll scare him away." Inst: "That's a good idea." (Taxi toward deer, but deer is macho, and holds position.) Tower: Cessna XXX cleared for take-off, runway NN. Std: "What should I do? What should I do?" Inst: "What do you think you should do?" (think-think-think) Std: "Maybe I should tell the tower." Inst: "That's a good idea." Std: Cessna XXX, uh, there's a deer down here on the runway. (long pause) Tower: Roger XXX, hold your position. Deer on runawy NN cleared for immediate departure. (Two seconds, and then -- I presume by coincidence -- the deer bolts from the runway, and runs back into the woods.) Tower: Cessna XXX cleared for departure, runway NN. Caution wake turbulence, departing deer. It had to be tough keeping that Cessna rolling straight for take-off. Controller: "USA353 (sic) contact Cleveland Center 135.60. (pause) Controller: "USA353 contact Cleveland Center 135.60!" (pause) Controller: "USA353 you're just like my wife you never listen!" Pilot: "Center, this is USA553, maybe if you called her by the right name you'd get a better response!" --- ATC: "N123YZ, say altitude." N123YZ: "ALTITUDE!" ATC: "N123YZ, say airspeed." N123YZ: "AIRSPEED!" ATC: "N123YZ, say cancel IFR." N123YZ: "Eight thousand feet, one hundred fifty knots indicated." Tower: "Alpha Charlie, climb to 4000 ft for noise abatement" Pilot: "How can I possibly be creating excess noise at 2000 ft?" Tower: "At 4000 ft you will miss the twin coming at you at 2000 ft, and that is bound to avoid one hell of a racket". Controller: "Air Force 53, it appears your engine has... oh... disregard, I see you've already ejected." Tower: "Hawk 20, is this the same aircraft declaring emergency about two hours ago ?" Pilot: "Negative, Sir. It's only the same pilot." A beautiful summer day with good thermals, near Billund airport, Denmark: Billund ATC: "Gliders 82 and D5, state position and altitude?" 82: Overhead Coal Lake, 6400 feet." D5: "Same position, same altitude." ATC (cool, dry voice): "So should I go get my collision report form??" Tower: "Mission 123, do you have problems?" Pilot: "I think, I have lost my compass." Tower: "Judging the way you are flying, you lost the whole instrument panel!" Pilot: "Good morning, Frankfurt ground, KLM 242 request start up and push back, please." Tower: "KLM 242 expect start up in two hours." Pilot: "Please confirm: two hours delay?" Tower: "Affirmative." Pilot: "In that case, cancel the good morning!" --- <big time eye-roll collection> Do you have Charlie? Negative, we left him back at the hanger! Do you have Echo? Negative, recieving you loud and clear! Do you have Hotel? Negative, We are staying with friends! Do you have Juliet? Negative, and please don't say anything to my wife! Do you have Kilo? Negative, but I think there a couple roaches in the ashtray! Do you have Mike? Negative, I have a push-to-talk button and a headset! Do you have Oscar? Negative, but I'm expecting a nomination this year! Do you have Popa? Negative, but I wrote him a letter last week! Do you have Romeo? Negative, Negative! Wherefore art thou Romeo? Do you have Uniform? Negative, just jeans and sweatshirt! Do you have Victor? Negative, Who is Victor? Do you have Xray? Negative, my doctor wants a CAT Scan! Do you have Whiskey? Negative, not in last 8 hours, Am I not on assigned heading? --- Washington D.C., Clearance Delivery: "GAF269, you are cleared to destination Indian Springs via after take off radar vectors to 4000 feet thereafter present position direct BOM do not pass BOM at 6000 feet or below after passing 15000 feet turn right on heading 280 to intercept J156 direct ZZT thereafter intercept J158 own navigation read back." GAF 269: "Roger German Air Force 269 is cleared to Destination Indian Springs via after take off radar vectors to 4000 feet thereafter present position direct BOM do not pass BOM at 6000 feet or below after passing 15000 feet turn right on heading 280 to intercept J156 direct ZZT thereafter intercept J158 own navigation and I need another pencil."